Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Pissed Professor??

Thursday night 6pm every week is the assigned class meeting period. Well, my professor had decided to move class because he can't be there. He gave us an option of Friday night same time or Saturday morning. Today he emails us and says class will be held Friday night. So my response is what happens if I am unable to attend. He says I will be marked absent but I can do the discussion threads online for points. My response:

" I mean this in the most respectful manner possible. I do not think it is fair that I will be marked absent and have to do discussion thread. I had every intentions of being to class Thursday night. Now, because you were unable to make it to class I will be penalized for not being able to attend the make up day. When I say penalize I do not just mean by attendance, but by missing the lecture which helps me understand everything a lot better. Yes, you asked when would be best time to meet but just now telling us. I don't have time to make changes to my schedule. It's set every week."

I have yet to hear back from him.... So I wonder?

Wrong of me? I don't think so.

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Tears isn't weakness

"Sometimes the strongest women are the ones who love beyond all faults, cry behind closed doors, and fights battles that nobody knows."

This blog has given me the option to let me express what truly is going on. It's easier to type about what is going on rather than tell someone over and over again. & I want to thank all of you guys that are reading and following me. It means a lot. Just to know that I can help you all see things from a different point of view.  It's nice to know that I'm not alone, just as I imagine you feel a little better reading something that may relate to you.

I have always been the one to hold my feelings in because of the people who look up to me. Growing up, I dealt with a lot of different issues but I had one person I had to be strong for, my little brother. I knew he may not have though he was looking up to me and sometimes I thought he wouldn't. Though I took the mind set that he was. So what ever I was feeling, I knew so well how to hide it.  From when I can remember, whatever happened if Sterling was scared I stepped up, I may have been scared but the tears never showed. I loved him no matter what he did. 

Deployment! Everyone has heard of it, some never experience it, just see it. I never had military family. I only watched families come and go, parents deploy. It's different when you finally experience it first hand. I never realized how strong a spouse/girlfriend/boyfriend/fiance has to be. This how deployment I have loved Mac more and more everyday! There has been times I'm sitting watching TV and I just cry. There is times a song comes on the radio and I can't hold the tears back. Sometimes, I've even been asked how can I do it..... How can I do it?? Really, How can I do it?? .....

How come you can't do it? Love can over come anything. It's a great feeling to know I have a man who still not only risk his life for me, but for millions he doesn't know. Someone who is true and worth every minute of the wait!  Yes, there are a few battles, issues that I have had to over come alone. But then again, I'm never truly alone. He is still with me in heart but not beside me physically.  I am the one who loves him beyond all faults, hide the tears or pain I may feel, and even fight battles that not everyone can understand.  

I will continue to be the STRONG woman, that I have always been. I'm another day down, as the same for some of you I imagine. It's been 141 days since he left. That means I'm so much closer to seeing him again!

Do you have anyone you must be strong for? Anything do you wish to share that may fit under the quote above?

Monday, July 29, 2013

Up, up, crash.

You know how things go so well for a while that it just doesn't seem true. Well, I think I have finally hit that. Everything was going great, things were finally falling into place. Until I woke up this morning. I woke up not feeling right, It wasn't a happy morning and I'm not sure why. I just woke up with that happy sad disappointment feeling, you know ladies that feeling no guy can understand. So I got up and kept dealing with my day, thankfully I received a text last night saying she had gotten off work early and I didn't have to go in.

Well, next thing, I feel like something is missing. what? I don't know. probably mac. But I've made it this far. Why just now does something feel like it's missing. ( no, I'm not saying I haven't missed him this whole time. Cause I sure have missed him). Maybe going from so much interaction to none. Or the things on my mind lately. I'm not sure. I know that it affected me so bad today, I didn't email mac. OF ALL THINGS I DIDN'T EMAIL HIM!!!! I always email him even if it is a hello, I love you, or even just good morning / good night. That isn't like me. So needless to say, it probably didn't help him today. He was the one that asked if everything was ok. How am I suppose to answer that when I can even answer it myself. My answer: It's just one of those blah days.

I'm hoping that going to bed tonight will be a new beginning. My mom will be here tomorrow, hopefully she can help shake this feeling.

Thanks for reading my minor vent for the day.

I will continue on and trust I can shake this feeling. I have a
great man by my side. Maybe not physically but he still is
there and with him there I can get through this feeling.
& most importantly :
 Conquer this deployment one day at a time

Just my luck.

Well, everything is, well was, going good. Now I'm a bit upset. I was gone all weekend. Last night my neck hurt really bad. I couldn't sleep. Then I get a text around midnight telling me not to come to work that she had gotten off early. Ok, cool I can sleep in. Well, up at 6:30 :/. So ok, got up ate, did a few other things. until now. I just found water damage marks. UGH! got to be kidding me. I have been gone all weekend now. But these are mighty big So something happened and I didn't see it until now. But the only thing that made me look was the noise I heard when the neighbor showered. So I followed the weird noise. & boom! there is the stain. I really don't think it was my bathroom. We have never had a problem except for when the maintenance people messed with the neighbors sink and pulled our, that got stuff all over our sink! We have however had a few issues with the toilet down stairs. Lord help me please, So now I wait for maintenance.........
automatically touched up so you can see the mark!

well, maintenance isn't going to do anything because it is hard. so I have to keep an eye on it and hope it doesn't get worse kind of thing. Really starting to hate this! ugh.......

Sunday, July 28, 2013

It's been one of those.

The weekend was pretty good! Friday I went to my mom's. Saturday was a family reunion.
This is my family's way of having a cooler.
I was at the beach all day! I can't wait to see pictures that were taken. I played beach volleyball. Oh man how do I miss volleyball! :/ I really would love to play again!! well, Saturday was fun! I didn't make it back to my moms until around 4 in the morning. Woke up today around 10 ish wrote a paper and came home. I'm so tired now. I think it will be an early night. Really missing mac tonight. Getting frustrated with gmail. It doesn't show me an email until anywhere from 10 mins or more after I have truly received it. I look forward to those emails everyday. I have figured out the timing just about give or take a few mins. but then it's upsetting when gmail messes things up. I really hope he visits a port soon :) I can't wait to see his face again and even hear his voice. It's only down hill from here.

 This week is midterms :/.  So here is to a busy week.

Have a goodnight and good week! <3

Thursday, July 25, 2013

Another day.

Well, today has been an up and down day. I had a friend come over and we went to lunch :). Then I went to tricare to get me a new PCM finally. I also got the paper work to get me registered to the EFMP. For those who do not know what that is. It is Exceptional family member program. So due to the fact that I have narcolepsy and have to see a specialist twice a year I have to be added. Well, I don't have to but it makes things smoother for transitions. After I am add, an number based on whatever category the navy feels I fit in will automatically knock out areas where Mac can not be stationed at. So it will give us lists of areas that fit my needs. I just hope right now narcolepsy is the only thing that goes on this list!!!

So besides that, I have the paper work!! Went to class. Boy oh boy, do I dislike business ethics. Not only that but mac is emailing me and I'm "not suppose" to mess with my phone during class. But they are going to have to deal with it. Because I usually get an email around 7pm everyday. Classes are suppose to break at 7pm but noooo, So I will text as I see fit. If you will not let me on break, I will break during class.

This weekend I will be back at my moms, there is going to be a "family" reunion. I wish mac could go :/.

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

4 months 2 weeks!

It's been 135 days since mac left! I have finally got a picture of him working! I feel in love with him all over again. He has sent me pictures of him or I have begged for pictures. But that isn't the same. It's great to see his face. I am so excited it's hard to show how truly excited I am. We are over the hump here. I have a list of items I have to do before homecoming. I'm so ready for him to come home!

Next week is midterm week for me! I'm not sure I'm ready for that just yet. But it is coming whether I'm ready for it or not. It's hard to believe July is almost over. Then August will be here! My mom's birthday is in August! September is not only my birthday but I finish my bachelors! October, I haven't found something yet. November is mac's birthday!!!!!!!!! I can not wait!

Tips During Deployment

I found a blog that had tips to help during deployment. I really loved it to the point I can't change the words. It came from Daily Mom.

With over 1.5 million active duty members in the United States military, the chances are very great that you may be affected by an upcoming deployment, or know someone who is. Below are some ideas for spouses (or close friends, or family) to occupy the time maintaining the home-front, while they are away.


Find an agency that is near and dear to your heart. Do you have a passion for animals? Check your local Humane Society. If you’d like to stay closer to base, check with your local MWR, FRG, or similar, and see if they are hosting any events that you would be interested in helping out with.


Use deployment as a wonderful excuse to focus on your health and well being. Oftentimes gyms have childcare options as well, so that may be an added bonus if you’re looking for a way to have your child socialize with other peers.


If you have a family, your role as a parent drastically changes when your spouse deploys. Remember to set aside a night once in a while for you. Hire a babysitter, or swap babysitting with a friend, because it’s important for yourself, and your family. Being a single parent for months on end is exhausting; you deserve it!


Have you always wanted to learn how to use your fancy camera? Take a photography class! If you are not a cook, go buy a cookbook and work your way through it! Now is the time to try out new things; it will keep you busy and you’ll have fun while doing something that interests you.


Has deployment hit its half-way mark? Cook a meal for some friends, and celebrate with a dinner party.


If you have children, you will want to establish a normal routine early-on. Their lives are also disrupted by a parent being deployed, so having a predictable routine to fall back on is key. Keep things as normal as possible, because this will make children feel more secure.


Before your spouse leaves for deployment, make a video of them reading your child’s favorite story book. The child will love interacting with Daddy/Mommy by “reading” the book along with them! You can use this as part of their bedtime, or nap time routine, or randomly throughout the day. Also, make videos of daily things for your deployed spouse! You child will have fun making the video, and it’s also a good “rainy day” activity. It will also be very special to your spouse to watch while they are far away.


It will bring a smile to your loved-ones face to receive a little hand-held token from home. With the advancement of e-mail readily available, sending snail-mail is sometimes overlooked. Send them a card, with a picture inside (or a CD with your latest home videos!) Pack up a box, and send them some fun items they may want. The ideas are endless, though you may want to remember that temperatures will vary drastically, so sending items that may spoil or melt, may not be a good idea.

I hope it helps you during this emotional roller coaster we ride just for our love!!
Click here to go to the page that I found these tips on.

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

45 year old in a 21 year old body

**please note I'm not asking for sympathy**
*just venting*

If I hear one more time, "Well, it's unusual someone your age should be...." well it's unusual someone your age should have..." I'm going to break down and lose it. I can't take that anymore.

First issue started when I was younger. I have broken over ten bones (UNUSUAL FOR MY AGE) and even tore all the tendons in my ankle but one. You can ask anyone who grew up around me, they will tell you everytime they saw me I had something different wrong with me. Some else in a brace or a cast. It took years to figure out what it was. When they finally did I was 17. They said it was calcium deficiency. That was when they put me on calcium supplements twice a day. Well, of course I always forget that second time. Well, fast forward a bit. When I got married the doctor had me take a dexa scan again to see where my bones were at. So when that came back it found I have osteopenia[definition] (UNUSUAL FOR MY AGE). Which I was then put on 50,000 ui of D3 calcium and took that once a week for three months.

 Now I am having issues with my eyes. Almost a year ago I was put on birth control and told that if I saw floaters[definition] that it was a serve side effect. So of course, I told my doctor. She took me off the medicine and referred me to an optometrist. Well today I went to the optometrist. They did a routine eye exam, all came back fine. Then he dilated my eyes for further exam. Well they found have broken/disconnected eye tissue inside the fluid in my eyes, UNUSUAL FOR MY AGE. Usually it happens later in years and progresses to causing a spiderweb floater, which effects seeing as a whole. The only way to remove them is a procedure which that can pretty much leaves you blind. Also my eyes have a lot of fluid which can build up and cause floaters put when i blink it should have gone away.

This is what floaters may look like

Well, now I have a visual field test next month to make sure it isn't anything major like tumors etc. Well, the optometrist believes some how the eye tissue that is disconnected is connected to the osteopenia. But here is my bummer issue. I have had issues with my bones all my life. NOTHING, I mean nothing has stopped my bone health issues. Now your adding eye issues to my Osteopenia issue! I sick of the fact no one can give me a straight answer. No one can tell me how to reverse it. No one can tell me what is causing this. Can I just have one person tell me why this is happening? How can I fix it?

With all these issues what if there is more wrong?? I just need answers I can't do this if something else comes back bad. :/

Please excuse my rant and vent. just one of those days. I wish I could talk to mac about it, I wouldn't even know how to tell him without him worrying. I just want to hear his voice now.

If you are still following me now; Thank you for reading it really means a lot.

"Got your six"

I got your six pin. Mac's grandmother sent it to me. & I love it!! It is a very powerful gift. The emotions behind it are strong. In case you can't read the card it says:
"In the military, "Got your six" means, "I've got your back."

The got your 6 campaign works to bring military veterans and civilians together. Now, Macy's is teaming up with got your 6 to help ensure that veterans use their valuable training to become leaders in our communities at home.

The purchase of this "6" pin helps got your 6 and its nonprofit partners to empower returning veterans and military families.

Show returning veterans that you've got their six by wearing your support and by welcoming veterans home as leaders."

I will support the "Got Your 6" campaign. A veteran shouldn't have to struggle more than they already have! Lets help them as they protected us!!! I want to say thank you to his grandmother for giving me this. The fact she thought about it and gave it to me means a lot!!! 

Saturday, July 20, 2013


Today, mac's brother called. He asked what I was doing then asked if I wanted to go to Busch Gardens. Of course I'm in Virginia beach. He was on the bridge when he decided to call and ask me! Downfall, even if I wanted to go I couldn't it would be a waste of money. Last summer, I went to Busch gardens and rode the verboten (not sure if that is spelled right). But anyways when it was over my mom said she called my name and even hit, oddly enough I don't remember being hit. We came to the conclusion Adrenalin and a stimulate isn't a very good combination. I take a stimulate and then roller coaster added the adrenalin which caused a bad reaction for me.

With that being said. The day isn't over!!! :) Mac emailed a bit today. I will be finishing up homework and who knows what else I will be getting into! Have a great day!!

Thursday, July 18, 2013

unproductive productive day

Ever had that feeling you got so much done or better yet very productive day, but when you go to look back on your day you pretty much did nothing. Feeling that way today!!!

I was up by and at work by 5:10. Well, the kids pretty much let me sleep til 8:15 maybe that was a good thing! Off by 12. Went and picked up my prescription and made a trip to the bank. As soon as I got home grabbed some changed and made it to 711 to get a stamp. Got home and the letter for mac in the mailbox before the mailman came! Our mailman is very sweet! Everytime I hear the mail dropped in the mailbox, I hurry to the mailbox in hopes to receive the post card mac sent!! :). Well, then I managed to knock out day two of my online class. Still have two papers due by Sunday! I did manage to get some dishes done, restarted the washer. But after that it was pretty much class. But tonight I come home to two officers walking the premises I'm happy about that. Though, where were they when I was being approached by a complete stranger and 5 other people.

Well, besides that, I have emailed mac I knew what he could get me for my birthday!! His response was N what's that?. Well, my response was I want to get a concealed carry permit!but I need a gun.....

I'm waiting for his response.I wonder what he will say!! 

Well that was my day! unproductive right? I think so. But I feel like it was so productive!! 

Wednesday, July 17, 2013


I want to apologize for posting so many posting so many blogs today! so much on my mind.

During this deployment, even before hand, music has always been outlet. So has walking but around here I haven't been able to walk like I use to. Well, there is one song I have played just about everyday mac has been gone! That's strange for me! By now, 4 months, I would be sick of the song. But it reminds me of my relationship with mac in so many different ways. The lyrics alone are very powerful. We are true love, stronger each and everyday. Now I share this song with you all to listen, I hope you feel the same!

If you have a song that helps you please feel free to share! I'm looking for any powerful songs to help my emotions. It's like therapy for me!

Long day coming to an end.

Productive day for me today kind of. I had to be at work by 0500. I get there and lay on the couch until the kids wake up about 0730. We went through our daily routine. I don't think little Jaythan likes seafood though. For lunch I had to make some shrimp things, I've personally never seen them but I don't like seafood. He took one bite and started screaming! Then spit it out!  After lunch is nap time!!! Jaythan woke up about 1330. Then miss Alexis woke up about 1530! & their dear daddy got home about 1600!! Well after their dad got home, I came home and take the dogs out. Afterward I knocked out day one of my online class. Thank goodness. Now it is time for me to relax a bit before almost identical day tomorrow.

128 days down for me. I'm really excited about that! still having to work on my list for homecoming! I don't want it to creep up too fast and then I run out of time trying to get it done!

It's been a very busy day. I'm exhausted but not exhausted enough to sleep I hope that makes sense.

Good to disaster.

Yesterday was a great day in general then it just went to disaster. Well, I woke did what I usually do. Cleaned a bit, even got to email a bit with mac! It was a great day just because having a minor conversation on email it's been a while since I have been able to! Well, then I go to class. It was boring nothing new. society, law and government how more interesting can it get than talking about supreme justices and judges. About 9:30 my class was over. So then I head home.

So it was about 10 when I got back to the complex and before I entered the parking lot to go home there was a line of 6 black people(not trying to sound racist). (Lined from the curb to the complex). Well I stopped but then they stopped so I thought I was clear to go.  I went, by the time I had grabbed all my stuff and got out of the car; one of them came up to me. I hadn't even shut the car door. She was like didn't you see us walking. You didn't stop. So I responded I'm sorry but I did stop. She continued to say no you didn't. Then she got in my face and said if I ever hit her daughters I'd be in trouble. So I asked if it was a threat she said no it was a promise. But since I felt threatened I called the cops. (Now remember I have yet to even get on the curb to go inside my house) Then the woman was like my x is a detective and I will have them give you a citation and he will follow you or something along those lines. Well she continued to talk, I wasn't having it so I ignored her and waited for cops. I explained all this to them and how I didn't want to go in with them right here. I didn't feel safe and felt threatened I mean it's one of me and four teenagers & that women. I had them make that group leave before I went in.

Now I've seen these teenagers on a daily basics. Acting all big and bad. So I really didn't even want anything to do with them. But the cops took her info my info waited with me. I went in I had a friend come over to walk dogs with me. Then I went to bed.

It's amazing how a complete stranger can turn you day inside out and upside down!! I really just want my Husband home! one more day down is all I keep telling myself. I'm four months farther than when we started!!  I won't let a group of 6 people ruin my enjoyment of getting closer to seeing my husband! I refuse to sink!! <3

Monday, July 15, 2013

4 months down.

Well, we have hit four months and the emails are finally up. But I feel so lost :/. I miss him. I was fine the whole deployment until now. & of course it's night time again when I feel this way. Four months that's the longest we have been apart. It really does hurt but I know we are stronger than any deployment. You know how it is when you want to pick up the phone and tell them something but they can't answer.

 Mac & I usually don't talk on the phone while they are between ports. The port was over a month ago we talked maybe right before the communication was cut it wasn't much just a warning. Well, now I'm missing his voice mainly his face. When they are in port they usually are facetime so right now I really just want to see his face. I keep telling myself it's downhill from here but it seems harder now then it did before he left. Well, at least this week alone. I'm wondering if it is a hormonal unbalance thing after being taken off medication.

I've even begun planning homecoming. It doesn't look like I listed everything.

Homecoming To-Do List

Clean House
Get Hair Done
Get nails done
Find a cute outfit - yes I put this in there.
Get dogs groomed
Get Mac's family lodge
Get Mac's car cleaned
few other things -since he is now reading these :p

Do you think there should be anything else added to this list?

Saturday, July 13, 2013

all over again....

It has been 124 days since I watched my husband walked down that pier. It was a very hard day. I felt so many feelings at once, I couldn't even begin to explain it. Today was the first day I have been that close to the piers since. After seeing the same class ships all those feelings flashed back. I was able to hold the tears back this time. I don't think I was upset because of the memory flashback but proud because I have made it this far! WE HAVE! I wouldn't have made it this far if it wasn't for a wonderful man supporting me from seas and miles apart; knowing I'm not alone, and that there are multiple people going through the same thing. I can't wait until it's over. The day I stand at the pier welcoming him home! I miss you mac!

 Strong enough to get this far strong enough to keep going! <3

Another day down! another day closer!

A woman's body!

I was reading through my subscribed blogs and came across a post about loving your body. She helps woman of all sizes and shapes love their body. I fell in love with her motivation. I'm may be tiny now. But I wasn't always this way! I can't word it as well as the person I saw the blog from or even Brittany, Herself. So please read their blog and she how powerful the message they are spreading is!
Brittany, Herself -The Navy Life of A Pilot's Wife.
Why I Care About Your Shoes - Brittany, Herself

Friday, July 12, 2013

Last night.

Well, last night was rough for me. I don't know it was just one of those nights. I came home from class about 10pm. It had been nasty all day. I just laid on the couch of course I left the radio on. I have a radio on for the dogs when I'm gone. It played all those songs and it just kept adding up. Oh, not to mention going on three weeks of not hearing from mac doesn't help. But it was the first night in a very long time I just couldn't hold the tears back. I really just miss mac. I could always count on an email around a certain time. he was always there for me to vent about my horrible class. & boy was that class last night horrible. I was the only criminal justice major student in that class. Everyone was a business major and working for their associates! I'm out of place! My professor is everywhere but where he should be well at least this week. So I decided it was the weather, classes, & not to mention I have been taken off of some medication due to side effects..... so I'm adjusting to living without it after being on them for 6-8 years give or take.

Well when I got upset I started searching for something to make me feel better and I found one!

i made it four months. or 122 days! I can make it the rest of the way!

Thursday, July 11, 2013

River city

Well, it's been almost three weeks since I received my last email from mac. Lovely river city. I'm praying they open up soon. I'm not complaining I knew this was going to happen. Well, I know he is trying the best he can to keep me inform. On the bright note, four months down!!! I'm really excited about it!

I'll try to keep you updated! <3

Sunday, July 7, 2013

More than words. Closer to you. Never understood

Navy band:)

The water! The place I go to feel so close to him. July 4th was a very hard day. But I had my little brother with me. He helped me through this holiday. Every holiday it seems we talk about our armed forces. It usually doesn't bother me but this year it does. With Mac being gone and not hearing from him in about two weeks it made this holiday very hard. River city is where he is at. (Navy term not actual place) I miss him so much. I know he's protecting not only me but everyone. So when they talk about it and say thanks to family who stand behind them I can't help it. 
I have never truly understood what the family goes through. No one truly does until they are actually married to it. I don't think kids truly understand the emotions behind leaving a loved one for months at a time.

Thank you to all service members! I can type this because of you & my husband who help protect our freedoms!!!!